I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
