Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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