My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
