they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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