Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
