I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Two words: blizzard sex
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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