He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
