Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize