i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
