Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
