Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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