Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
