so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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