Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
