When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
