Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
