why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
