Already got asked if we're dating
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
