i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
