Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Are we still banned from the library?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
