I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize