It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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