I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
