I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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