Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
