I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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