I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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