I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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