im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
