he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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