I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
