i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i came on her dog
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
