a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
