I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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