Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
