The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
