don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
