This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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