Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
