Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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