never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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