You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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