if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
