What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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