I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
