I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
