I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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