"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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