The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
