she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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