That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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