If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
