I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Never joke about your clitoris.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
