Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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