I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
