I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
