dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
