apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
