cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
