I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
