Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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