sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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